Why Marry?

As the date of my own marriage approaches, I've been reflecting quite a bit on what I feel that marriage is - i.e. what I feel it represents, what I want it to mean to me, and how a decision of a lifetime can be made with only a handful of years worth of data. For context, my parents divorced when I was young and neither have been able to find what I would call a successful relationship. For this reason, I haven't felt like I have a great example to use as reference, and I've had to form my own opinions. Below I outline how I currently view marriage. I often take the male / father perspective because this is how I've formed my own thoughts, but I do not intend to imply a higher importance or value to these roles.

 

 

Wrong Questions

 

I've wrestled quite a bit with the idea of limited data. How can we know when we have found "the one"? Is it possible to be prepared for marriage in a way that makes divorce not a possibility to begin with? The reality is that even given an unrealistic amount of data, you could never be certain that you had found the answer to these questions. I believe these questions are flawed in the sense that they are the wrong questions to ask.

 

As I've reflected on marriage, the answer to the question of "why marry?" has become obvious. We answer this question without knowing it every single day but simply fail to see the relationship between the beliefs that govern our every action and a decision that seems to big to make. Ultimately, it boils down to our morality. We believe that treating others with a higher degree of kindness and care than we give to ourselves is "right". We believe that the journey of becoming more responsible and more capable is "right". The closer a person gets to these ideals the more "good" they are. Marriage is perhaps one of the highest aims someone who shares our morality can have. A successful marriage is exactly all of these things which we deem as "right". It is another, and arguably the best, chance to live in accordance with the beliefs you use to guide yourself through every other avenue of life.

 

 

Responsibility

 

Marriage is an adoption of great responsibility. It must be the case that the maintenance of a marriage is of higher responsibility because its loss is of greater consequence than that of the unmarried relationship. Isn't it the adoption of responsibility, the bearing of the cross, that forges us into people we can be proud of? Marriage is perhaps the ultimate responsibility - to care for, and bring out the best of, someone else as if they were you (even and especially when it isn't of direct benefit to you). The golden rule to the highest degree which I would argue is the foundation on which our relationship with our children is founded. When a child asks for advice from a good parent, they do not have to be concerned about whether the parent has his own interests in mind. A good parent always wants what is best for their children regardless of the consequence that has to themselves. This kind of relationship seems clearly right when applied to a child, but our fear of what could go wrong makes it seem risky or illogical when applied to a partner.

 

 

Freedom

 

Marriage is often viewed as a restrictor of freedom. It's not uncommon for people to refer to a bachelor party for example as "the last chance to be free" or something to that effect, but marriage is a commitment which frees the participants in more ways than one. Compare a relationship with a new acquaintance to that of a lifelong friend. The strength of the latter goes hand in hand with it's permanence. I don't have to convince you that there is immense value in a relationship for which there is nothing you could do or say (within the confines of the shared morality) that would send the other person running. In marriage, the boundaries of what you can reveal and explore of yourself are shattered. The best version of yourself becomes accessible (the best friend, father, communicator, supporter, most responsible, most resilient version) partly due to this new accessibility but also because the best version of yourself is no longer important but rather necessary (leaving is no longer an option). We are incredibly well adapted to put off things we know are good for us until they become absolutely necessary. To think you will sit through the challenges and sacrifice that exists between yourself now and the best version of yourself when the option to leave is still available is optimistic at best.

 

It is also far from unreasonable to think that when your world is falling apart, your child is sick, your parent just died, or you've lost your job, that you will want everything you could possibly have working in the favor of your relationship to better your odds (i.e. the public vow, the difficulty and risks of divorce). In this sense, marriage is freeing because life's difficulty poses less of a threat to your relationship.

 

 

Common Objections

 

"But we can be committed to each other without marriage. It's just a piece of paper."

 

Marriage IS the commitment. You can't have a thing without having it. Opting to forgo marriage must be less committed because doing so relies (logically) on the relationship to end. Marriage offers a better tax bracket, is more socially acceptable, has better structure for raising children, brings more responsibility to shape you, and more. An honest look at the differences is enough to see that the only way the unmarried man comes out ahead is if the relationship ends. The unmarried man is looking out for himself first (only in a materialistic sense as he fails to account for the person he could become) and in doing so can't participate in the level of commitment required of a marriage.

 

"50% of marriages end in divorce. Why play a losing game?"

 

What do you think the % of non-married relationships that end is? 50% of these end within one year and only 10% last longer than five years. This is the alternative you are choosing. Also I would argue both of these statistics are hardly relevant as they leave a lot of questions unanswered - what percent of these marriages are composed of previous divorcees, what is the average age of partners most likely to divorce, and so on.

 

"Marriage is advantageous to women and disadvantageous to men. It makes no sense for a man to get married because he risks a woman taking half his stuff."

 

This argument views marriage as a purely materialistic exchange which is already incorrect but I will argue against it anyway since it is so common.

 

In very financially man-sided relationships, the woman bears the risk/burden of being basically unemployable while providing immense support (basically taking care of everything else) for the man's finances. Given the need for a divorce, the woman deserves compensation. As the financial gap narrows, this argument holds less and less and becomes at best a severe exaggeration. If the dynamics above don't apply or if an ex-wife takes a man to court out of spite, he either didn't do his job vetting her in the dating phase or likely treated her poorly. Either way, there is almost certainly some degree of blame to be placed on the man that this argument doesn't account for.

 

Is it possible that a well-vetted spouse in a financially one-sided marriage wakes up one morning and decides that they want out for no other reason than how they are feeling that day? Sure, but what are the chances of that? Is it optimal to sacrifice a higher form of intimacy and a higher form of yourself for a sub 1% chance of tragedy?

 

Let's say you do just get severely unlucky and your partner makes the decision to quit without any prior warnings. Is it only the accomplishment of the highest aims that is valuable? Or is there something to be said about the person you become as you pursue them? Yes divorce can be disastrous - but is that worse than being unable to grow in some of the most meaningful ways because you were terrified of the unknown?

 

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